Who could’ve foreseen the death of newspapers? Is this what happened back in the day if games went late? You had to wait two full days to know how Mike Schmidt and the Phillies did? Did sportswriters just throw their hands up in the air pissed off at Mitch Williams because he couldn’t strike out the side before the 10:15 deadline? Some sportswriter just furiously mashing his cigar into an ashtray, gut hanging over his belt, and coffee breath ready to kill Mitch for the rest of the year because he’s wasn’t able to get his precious story in on time. What about 1983 when the Sixers won the title in LA. Did they send a telegram back to Philadelphia to tell people the good news that the Sixers won the war? Or did the mayor have to wait for the Daily News to publish their Friday paper to find out when to schedule the parade? Well thank god the internet was invented.

I imagine there’s one guy who still subscribes to the paper because he loves the feel of it between his thumb and index finger. The noise it makes when he’s flipping pages from A5 to B1. He still writes letters into the Republican Herald about changes he’s seen in the community that he doesn’t like. The diner waitress has blue hair. He doesn’t understand why women don’t want to emulate the beautiful Marilyn Monroe. He doesn’t get why today’s athletes are coddled. A kid on his grandson’s little league team didn’t run out a groundball the other day and it cost them a run. He just found out the tires at the mechanic he’s been going to for 40 years are made in China. He’ll be taking his talents elsewhere.

This guy is going to be devastated when he walks out to the end of his driveway on Friday and realizes the Sixers lost. He’ll read about Joel Embiid having a career night on one leg. Seth Curry carrying the team in the 2nd half. And his head will explode when he reads how Ben Simmons was nowhere to be found late for the 2nd game in a row. Doc Rivers’ strategy for the second half was nothing like the great Douglas MacArthur’s. A man he claims he fought for in Korea, but it’s actually the same lies everyone in South Jersey tells you about playing against Mike Trout. He’ll be crushed. It’ll ruin his weekend knowing the team he loves is down 2-3 to a team of afterthoughts and journeymen. He’ll throw the paper in disgust unable to have the strength to flip over and see what his buddy Jughead is up to. He walks to the window and peers at a once vibrant town. He pictures the coal workers and men who worked in steel mills and wonder if The Process will ever conclude.

Just kidding this guy saw Black Lives Matter on the courts and decided to never watch an NBA game again.

Let’s see what else is goin on around Pottsville.

Well was she burned or not? Feel like this one didn’t even have to go to trial.

Always been more of a Miller Lite guy anyway.

What makes you a career criminal? When you work for 50 years you get the gold watch. Do they just slap some gold handcuffs on you and call it a day?