The Phillies are auctioning off a bunch of stuff for their Phillies Charities through Friday and there is a ton you can bid on. A virtual meet and greet with Mike Schmidt (must speak English), you can throw out the first pitch and Dave Dembrowski will give you a contract, or see what Sam Fuld does during his day to day – it definitely doesn’t include scouting the MLB for a right handed bat.

This though just sticks the knife in Alec Bohm’s back and twists it.

People rather do manual labor than get hitting and fielding tips from Alec Bohm. More parents trust their kid’s tee ball coach to teach them proper fundamentals over a professional baseball player. Can you blame them? The entire Phillies team is one of the worst fielding teams in the MLB and Alec Bohm captains the ship.

You could stick a full bag of bats at third and hope every ball hit there ricochets to Didi and that would still be better than what we’ve watched from the Not Corner. If you’re Dave Dembrowski how fast can you get Bohm up on the trading block and will you be able to get a bag of balls in return?

Some of the other auction items

For $700 you can trigger the PTSD of all the vets that live around South Philly and help them relive the good memories of the war while you’re dropping into Verdansk. Or maybe grab your buddies and play one last round of Beerio Kart to relive the old days pregaming in the college dorm.

Of course there’s an Aaron Rowand “crash” pun. How they haven’t built a statue for this guy for running his face into the wall in the ultimate sacrifice of Philly Tough is beyond me. Dude played here for 2 years and played his best ball in Chicago and San Francisco and we still parade him out like a hero and Jason Werth is treated worse than horse shit you stepped in getting off the Broad Street Line.

Did you ever want the experience of working long hours behind a desk calling hundreds of people a day telling you to go fuck yourself with no pay, crippling student loans, and no guarantee their will be a job for you after your internship is over? Boy do we have the experience for you! Fucking bring your indentured servant to work day by the Phillies over here. John Middleton needs to make up the money for that Bryce Harper deal and it’s not going to be through paying labor I’ll tell you that.

Do you want a ball signed by the last good Phillies team to commemorate the start of a process with 0 plan that has debilitated all resources, decimated a farm system, and still has no goal in sight as they did 10 years ago? Boy do I have the ball for you! Jesus Christ. Could they not afford the PR team anymore when JT re-signed?

Any question you ask Joe Girardi refuses to answer it. Don’t waste your time.

How the hell are the Phillies going to police this so that a kid is the winning bidder? I’d love to see some guy in his mid-30s show up on the Zoom, gut hanging over his belt, and breathing heavily into the mic. His beer league season starts next week and he bid $2k for hitting tips on exit velo and keeping his eye on the ball. I would kill to have an invite to that call.

Honestly – most of these auction items sucked but they are for charity so go bid on them. Some that I guess didn’t make the cut that I’d like to see.

Beers with Ricky Bo, Ben Davis, Kruk, Ruben Amaro, & Michael Barkann

This would be the ultimate crew to grab some beers with. Ricky Bo is definitely the same guy whether he’s sober or lit up. He just talks with even more fire and passion when he’s a couple in. I would just stare at Ben Davis’ Toy Soldiers jawline the whole time. He doesn’t even need to speak or drink. I just want to stare at the 8th Wonder of the World. Ruben Amaro feels like the guy who would give you all the trade secrets if you got him bombed. He’d tell you everything about nights on the town with Pat Burrell, how much of a dick Jonathan Papelbon really was, who really made the decision to trade Cliff Lee after they just went to the World Series, or pissing off Ryan Howard when he said the Phils would be better without him. Kruk would be an all time guy to drink a couple High Life’s with and shoot the shit. He’s definitely the same guy on the broadcast that he is in real life. And then Barkann just to drive the conversation in the host role and so I can ask him about the blue horn rimmed specs.

Also, We get to do it on the new NBCSports set where it looks like they’re about to drop the hottest gossip about the Phillies.

One night with the 1993 Phillies

Or whatever is left of them. Lenny, Kruk, Mitch Williams, Schilling, Mickey Morandini, Ruben Amaro. Just a collection of wild cards with all differing opinions who’ve gone on to all do something different in their post-baseball careers. Lenny has become one with a jail cell. Curt stormed the Capitol and threatened to kill journalists. Mickey and Kruk have gotten into baseball in some capacity. Ruben tore down a legendary time in the franchise’s history and Mitch Williams, well Mitch would just be there to fight Lenny when he finally got out of hand. The stories these dudes could tell from 1993 would probably make you hate yourself because you’re living life so wrong. Obviously this would have to take place at a strip club in whatever state Lenny Dykstra was paroled in at the time.

Swimming in Ryan Howard’s Moat Experience

You have a certain kind of fuck you money if you build a moat around your mansion. When you need a drawbridge to get to the front door what else do you need in life. So I want to float in Ryan Howard’s moat like it’s the lazy river at Dorney Park. Least he could do for making me have to watch him try to hit a curveball from 2012-2016.

Pat Burrell’s Machine Outfit

Imagine the stories the Machine outfit could tell. Just an array of smells from latex to gooch sweat to baby powder and I guess sugar. Could you imagine having Pat Burrell’s gimp outfit in your basement hung up in a glass case like it’ was worn by the King of Rock n Roll? How does anyone’s memorabilia compare to that? A gameworn gimp suit would go for hundreds of thousands from the King of Cock n Balls.