Find that bird. Whoever got pooped on take your jersey over to the poop examiner in Philly and let’s locate this bird.

The only chance the Phillies have this year is if they let that bird poop on them before every game. That bird is the only reason 17 runs were scored tonight. Have you watched this offense lately? They’re on a historic strikeout pace. Can’t put the ball in play and botch routine ground balls nightly. Even Matt Joyce was raking tonight.

Imagine if the Phillies started doing some ritual pregame where they all got pooped on like it was a German porno. The ’93 Phils would do it. This wouldn’t make a top 10 list of craziest shit that team did. Lenny Dykstra would wear a shit stained jersey if it meant he would bat .350. It wouldn’t even be the weirdest good luck charm from a championship team. Remember the midget Pedro Martinez carried around throughout the playoffs?

Would’ve loved to see Get Up and the Boston Globe’s reaction pieces on that situation today. Imagine Greeny having to navigate that segment while Peter Dinklage Skype’s in to give his opinion on the matter while promoting his new movie.

I mean Turk Wendell used to pitch with a necklace of made of teeth from animals he hunted.

Jason Giambi wore a golden thong around the clubhouse to break up a slump.

John Henderson used to get bitch slapped pre-game just so he could play at an All-Pro level.

“THANK YOU JOE!”

I hope this bird didn’t have a belly full of skyline chilly because then you’re basically playing with battery acid.