Last night I burned through the Night Stalker a new true crime documentary on Netflix about the serial killer Richard Ramirez. First, I can’t recommend it enough. I have the attention span of a rodent. I never binge shit. If I finish more than one episode of something longer than The Office it has to be good. I’m the guy who has to constantly rewind because I get distracted easily, go on my phone, and miss all the details. This doc locked me in from the start. Two, I’m not related (to my knowledge) to Richard Ramirez.

I didn’t know I even looked like the Night Stalker until a couple years ago I was on a Periscope livestream and some random dude left a comment “oh shit! it’s richard ramirez”. Absolutely assaulted me. On my own livestream! The guy’s not wrong though, I’m a dead ringer for the Night Stalker. We both have exquisite, high cheek bones, a square jaw that could take a clean uppercut from Tyson, beady dark eyes that will stare into your soul, and a hair line that belongs in a Head & Shoulders commercial.

One thing Richard Ramirez is, is the devil, but he’s not ugly. During this dude’s trial he became a rockstar! Girls were sending him nudes in prison and randoms would show up to the courthouse to sit in on the trial they were so in love with him. Look at this guy! He looked like a rockstar on trial for his 3rd DUI not murder.

Again (to my knowledge) not related.

But you take the crimes of the Night Stalker out of the picture – he’s a good looking dude. I’m fortunate though Richard Ramirez doesn’t get the same clout as Charlie Manson, Dahmer, or even Ted Bundy, but this dude has a Hall of Fame resume that could go toe to toe with each of them. Remember when Bill Simmons would do player A vs. Player B comparisons and only cherry pick stats that strengthened his argument? Well let’s see which serial killer had the bette PER.

Murderer A: Victims: 14, Career: 84-85, Criminal Penalty: 19 death sentences

Murderer B: Victims: 9, Career: 68-70, Criminal Penalty: 1 death sentence

Murderer A is Richard Ramirez. Murderer B is Charles Manson. Ramirez had more murders in less time and even admitted to ones he was never convicted of after already serving life. Richard Ramirez is the James Worthy of the serial killer game. A respected Hall of Famer sandwiched in between bigger and brighter stars.