Look at ol’ Nostradamus and Miss Cleo over here with their predictions for 2020. Steven is the dumbest 5th grader I’ve ever met. This kid probably has Blogging the Boys bookmarked on his Chrome browser right next to a “Best of Skip Bayless” YouTube video. Just drinking the Kool-Aid all off-season reading about how the Cowboys were going to have three 1,000 yard receivers and two #1’s at running back. Kid probably thought Dak Prescott wasn’t being a team player for not taking a deal below his market value. How’d that work out for you Steven? Did you cry when Dak Prescott’s ankle twisted like a Krazy Straw? I bet you did. Did you realize then how important he was after you had to watch Andy Dalton set the QB position back decades? How about watching Ben DiNucci or Garrett Gilbert take real NFL snaps after John Bostic played wall ball with the Red Rocket’s head. The Cowboys might not even make the playoffs for the next 10 years due to their cap situation and the defense they trot out there weekly. Let’s have the Cowboys reach the NFC Conference Championship for the first time in 20 years before we start crowning them champs in the next 10.
But Steven somehow isn’t even the dumbest kid in the 5th grade class. How can the two dumbest kids in school be next to each other alphabetically? It’s a miracle. There’s no chance one of these two don’t trip over their gowns while getting their diplomas at high school graduation. 2020 we’re just going to eradicate all diseases Kevin? Cancer, STDs, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever? Poof. Gone? Have some common fucking sense Kev. You know how much disease research costs? Say we were able to pull the funds together to create vaccines for every incurable disease.Have you thought logistics. How are we going to make enough for 6 billion people and distribute it all to them in one year? How much will the vaccine cost? I bet you didn’t even think about the vaccines that need to be temperature controlled. You’re not even factoring in anti-vaxers to the equation either idiot. Pretty selfish prediction to put pressure on scientists to eradicate all diseases in 365 days. I appreciate a positive mindset as much as the next guy, but you don’t see me throwing around wild predictions for 2021 like halting climate change by sucking up all the greenhouse gases into a giant Dyson vacuum.
Who thought disease eradication wouldn’t even be the dumbest part of Kevin’s prediction. This guy thought we’d all be living peacefully in 2020, in an election year. Kevin couldn’t even predict the pandemic and he was still wrong the minute this thought left his brain. Now I know Texas probably hasn’t taught schoolchildren things like the Civil War or Jerry Jones isn’t actually God. But to think we were going to live in harmony as a country is beyond stupidity I’m starting to respect this kids rosy outlook on life. Instead of peace we had civil unrest, a pandemic, Black Panther died, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle quit their fake jobs, the greatest Canadian game show host ever succumbed to cancer (could’ve used your disease prediction to come true there genius), a bunch of Koala Bears were burned by fire instead of chlamydia, Kobe died, a film that made me read the whole time dominated the Oscars, and Kim Jong Un said ‘un mas year’ after death rumors circulated. But if I’m Kevin I’m doubling down on my prediction. Run it back for 2021. Maybe we’re disease free and everyone’s living peacefully because 2020 was so bad the simulation resets itself.