This has to be the biggest thing to happen to Cherry Hill ever right? I don’t know much about South Jersey, but what I do know is Philadelphians only venture over there for the beaches and the Cherry Hill Mall/Wegmans prices. We’ll eat the $5 toll on the way back in. There’s a reason New Jerseyans have to pay a price to enter the Mecca and not vice versa. It’s because us mongrels singlehandedly keep New Jersey afloat invading Atlantic City to Cape May for 4 months out of the year. You’re welcome.

That being said. If we’re talking strategy I’m dropping in the Victoria’s Secret every time. Have you ever been in a Victoria’s Secret as a man, alone, shopping for the wife or girlfriend? You immediately feel like the biggest pervert in the world. I feel like someone will be waiting outside the store with a clipboard and pen to sign me up on Megan’s Law. I’m going to have to go home and introduce myself to all the neighbors.

“What’d you do? Diddle some kids?”

“No I wasn’t paying attention and bumped into a 14 year old too close to the 5 for $30 lingerie rack. The cops had me arrested, processed, and in front of a judge within two hours. This is court mandated.”

None of the virgins on Twitch are coming close to a Victoria’s Secret. TFue probably breaks out in a cold sweat within 100 ft of a Hollister. You can’t even say “simp” or “virgin” on Twitch anymore.

I’m taking cover under the lingerie table and head-shotting every guy who think’s they’re safe buying a hotdog pretzel from the Auntie Anne’s cart.

I’ll do anything to win. I’ve never come close to getting a Warzone Victory. I don’t care if they put the Mall Santa Clause on this map and I have to murder him to get my first win. This is war. I’ll take COVID Clause out behind the Lane Bryant and socially distance his head from his body.