Oh so you thought you could get out of the flower show with the wife or girlfriend this year because of COVID?

You know why that’s not the case? Cause fuck you that’s why. The Real Housewives of the Delaware Valley weren’t ever going to cancel their Super Bowl. You’re lucky you got a break from Linvilla for the fall and I still saw some of you miserably picking red delicious in your apple picking flannel. This year PHS is moving it outside and guess what we’re quadrupling the size of it to 15 acres. The theme is HABITAT: Nature’s Masterpiece. Instead of being in a temperature controlled Convention Center you’re now entering the habitat of the bum, fighting for bench space and dodging a bunch of hippies playing frisbee golf while the wife spends the paycheck on some arrangements that are going to wilt in 72 hours. She told you how much she wants to get into gardening this year after she followed those lifestyle design accounts on Instagram all quarantine, and if you don’t let her blow the cable bill on some garland she can wrap the bannister in than you’re the asshole because “you’ve never supported her dreams”. Sit your ass down next to the guy who just pulled a half eaten pretzel out of the garbage and stew on your miserable life. Next time you sign a free agent to a lifetime contract think long-term like Daryl Morey and less like John Middleton.

15 acres lol. There are husbands who are going to have to start a P90x routine just for the Flower Show. You’re walking every square foot of that flower show and you’re going to have to smile doing it while your feet look like Alex Smith’s.

And the Flower Show declaring Manifest Destiny over South Philly? Where the hell did we find 15 acres to spare in the city limits? The Flower Show board is going to make more money during the pandemic than Bezos. Who cares you can get the same exact tulip at Lowes, these tulips are from Amsterdam. You could sell those yellow weed flowers that grow in my nana’s yard, 12 for $20 at the Flower Show. The Flower Show is one giant Steven Starr restaurant. There are mark-ups on the cocktails because of the experience. So my noodles and rice are $30 because you made me stare at the giant belly button of a prophet from a made up religion for two hours? No thanks.

I love the Flower Show because it’s the longest con running. No one can fact check if the roses are really from the Alps or the guy on the corner of Chestnut and Broad who sells bouquets on Valentines Day. It’s a huge pageant for women who just want to get drunk off of cheap champagne and chardonnay and stare at some colors in real life instead of digital one’s on their couch.

Also, this is made up. The International Festivals & Events Association isn’t real

The Philadelphia Flower Show has been honored as the best overall event in the world by the International Festivals & Events Association, competing with events such as the Kentucky Derby Festival, Tournament of Roses Parade, Indianapolis 500 Festival, and other international celebrations.

The Philadelphia Flower Show isn’t even in the same galaxy as the Kentucky Derby or Indianapolis 500. Those events are class personified. Not a bunch of Aunt Mary Pat’s running around looking for a refill on their champagne and dipping their fingers in the chocolate fountain display.