By: Angelo Missanelli
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Sitting at 4-7 Coach Gary and the Philadelphia Eagles have become a bigger joke than Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia performing other comedian’s material for years and being rewarded for it with millions of dollars. They have an offense that can’t move the ball consistently, and a defense that couldn’t stop a Pop Warner flag football team. The Eagles find themselves hurling towards a sub .500 record. This team is more average than a thunderstorm that starts with a loud crack of lightning and torrential downpour only to move to a medium sized rain and low rumbling thunder after two minutes when you were really looking forward to sitting on your porch and listening to the rain and lightning with a cold All Day IPA in your hand after a long day of working from home because you’re stuck in Corona hell, which now has rendered you incapable of making the joke to your average wife, who you have average sex with, “The Angels are really bowling up there!”
Philadelphia Eagles (4-5) at Dallas Cowboys
In Dallas, the Eagles jumped out to a comfortable 17-3 lead shepharded by the speedy John Ross, and a well managed second half would surely lead to a win. One would’ve thought. But come kickoff in the 3rd it all went downhill like Jack and Jill fetching to get a pail of water when Jack broke his crown which makes you think to yourself in this riddle Jack and Jill are probably 8 years old at this time and they’re performing arduous tasks like carrying water up a hill. Are you complicit in illegal child labor practices for singing this rhyme that you want to call OSHA and report yourself as an accessory? Is Jack a King? Which would make sense since he has a crown and in that case if he is a king how sad is it he has so little power in his kingdom that he doesn’t have slaves to fetch his water for him? Turnovers, combined with an awful running game sealed the loss and the Cowboys came back to victory outscoring the Eagles 31-3 in the 2nd half. The end of the 2nd Half was highlighted by this Carson Wentz interception to end the game.
Cleveland Browns at Philadelphia Eagles (4-6)
The Birds head back to Philly to welcome the Browns and from the jump the Browns were all over them like Chris D’Elia seeing a 17 year old after his comedy show and asking if she’d like to come back to his hotel room to make out when he’s twice her age and the age of consent in that state is 18 and he knows it’s not just going to be making out. At one point the offensive coordinator called three straight runs to try and muster 1 measly yard at mid-field. 1 YARD! Have you ever seen a team not manage to get one yard on three plays!? I haven’t seen mis-management like that since I spilled coffee on myself when a rogue Starbucks barista purposely didn’t put my lid on tight enough because she wants to see me embarrassed on syndicated local television.
This team stinks like leftover Chinese food your roommate ordered last month and stuck in the back of the fridge and you both forgot about it because it got stuck behind that 30 rack of Miller Lite you put in there and when you asked your roommate what that smell in the fridge was you both just shrugged and closed the fridge to solve the problem rather than taking 2 minutes to look.
Again a game of two halves the Eagles were getting picked apart by Baker Mayfield, but Wentz and the Eagles offense led a come back from 3 scores to tie the game and force overtime.
The Browns got the ball and never looked back as they shoved the ball down the Eagles throat.
Coach Gary after the game refused to speak to the media and claims all the blame on him, and said that he believes that this team has the players to be a winner. Though not mathematically eliminated yet, the season looks like a dyslexic kid trying to solve PEMDAS.