If you’re Alex Jones’ neighbor you better back up the Deuce Caboose and let him tongue twister your balloon knot. Because if not he’s going to chain you up and skin you like a deer.

This is the look of a guy who has lost sleep over the thought of eating his neighbor’s ass.

 

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Imagine being Alex Jones’ neighbor right now. Do you move? You have to move. I don’t care if he has two to three years worth of his Infowars Survival Food Kits stocked up. Get Re//Max on the phone immediately. If this pandemic goes any further there’s a chance you’re waking up to a sweaty Alex Jones underneath your covers tongue punching your fart box shooshing you so you don’t wake the wife.

What kind of superpower is honesty btw? I don’t think being honest is a superpower. I think anyone who says their greatest strength is honesty is actually just an asshole. If someone told me I look a little fatter then I did pre-quarantine unprovoked I wouldn’t say hey thanks for being honest. I would let them know that I’m glad their dad died so he wouldn’t be embarrassed about how much of a failure his son is. Eye for an eye.

I keep imagining Alex Jones’ neighbor going to get the mail the same time he is and AJ sizing him up licking his chops. His neighbor’s probably some computer programmer or accountant and doesn’t even know his ass is on the line to be eaten. Probably gives a nice friendly wave and a howdy do. While Alex Jones is thinking

 

 

We have to talk about the Survival Kits that Alex Jones is selling on his website. First off, he’s bragging about his 7 week delivery times that are now down from 8 like he’s fucking Bezos. If the U.S. had the logistics of InfoWars we wouldn’t be getting stimulus checks until 2021.

I mean if you ever needed 575 servings of creamer in case the pandemic lasts 10 years InfoWars is the place for you. I’ll give credit where credit is due; $15 for 575 servings of creamer is a deal not even Amazon could provide.

 

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Look at all the food you get if you stock up on his 3 month Survival kit. The world  might be burning around you, but hey at least you have chocolate pudding to get you through the day until the apocalypse is over.

 

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I’d love to live in Alex Jones’ head for a day. It must feel like a mixture of acid and cocaine. And then I’d put a bullet to my brain and have all the townspeople cheer my demise like I’m Bin Laden. Jesus Christ this blog just got dark. Happy Friday everyone! If you’re Alex Jones’ neighbor maybe invest in a security system or place hidden bear traps all over your house just in case.

 

COMBAT MODE!