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I’ve missed more than 9000 tailor appointments in my career. I’ve bought almost 300 types of velour. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to adhere to the “No Cargo Shorts” dress code and failed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. – Michael Jordan

 

You think MJ gives a fuck about how he dresses? Nope. He’s not paid to dress well. He’s paid to slap his name on some shoes and cash checks. He’s not involved in any of the designs of shoes. Well maybe these, but there was a high top craze in the early 2010s so I’ll give him a pass.

 

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MJ’s style is like if Russell Westbrook became aware. I can’t wait for “The Last Dance” tonight. We’re going to get so many different patterns we’ve never seen. There are going to be a ton of Kangos, velour, acid wash jeans, and that’s before Dennis Rodman even gets on screen.

 

“I’ve Got Diarrhea” MJ

 

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Even a weekend of tequila, Cuban cigars, and steak catches up to the GOAT. I know what the face of diarrhea looks like and that’s diarrhea face. MJ is sweating like Patrick Ewing at the foul line in that photo. He’s going to the teller putting $10,000 on the #6 horse and listening to the race on the shitter. If he ran out of toilet paper at least he’s got on a suit that would clothe every person in Puerto Rico to wipe himself with. Filipino children WORSHIP Michael Jordan because when an order for a new suit comes in, they know that paycheck is going to be huge Friday with overtime.

 

Snuggie MJ

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Whatever MJ slaps his name on it sells. Sneakers, Steakhouses, colognes. Snuggie has sold 30 million since they came on the scene. You can’t tell me it didn’t get the Jordan bump once this picture was released.

 

Air Fuhrer

 

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You know who was also really competitive? Hitler. You know who also wore underwear (allegedly)? Hitler.

What if I told you, on the court wasn’t the only time MJ was described as furor?

 

 

“Southside Jamaica Queens Drug Dealing” MJ

 

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“Extra Lift In The Shoes Just To Tell Cody Zeller How Much He Fucking Sucks” MJ

 

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If MJ didn’t make Sean May, Cody Zeller, or Adam Morrison cry on a daily basis while they were on the Bobcats I’d be shocked. Any man who is confident enough to wear two inch heels doesn’t care about tearing down a grown man. What an insane move to wear a heel when you’re 6’6.

 

“New Dad On The First Date Night Since The Baby” MJ

 

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“The Dean Smith Collection by Calvin Klein”

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If this outfit was an offense it’d be the UNC Four Out offense in the 70s when games ended 23-21. I hope they bury MJ in this one day. He looks like a confused Avatar Smurf, but no one would have the balls to pull this off. I’d like to imagine he was walking to go close billion dollars deals and he showed up in this. Ultimate power move. You’re basically just letting your smurf dick out on the table and begging people to call you out. If this was LeBron he’d probably show up in a full tailored suit and slacks that only went to his ankles with no socks. He’d probably wilt under pressure during the meeting and lose millions of dollars in the process.

 

“Grandmom Left You Her Favorite Table Cloth In The Will” MJ

 

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“The Disciple of Dungaroos” MJ

 

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I saved the best for last. Just Denim on Denim like he had some just sitting around and decided to make a coat out of it. No doubt this is the first pitch of a Japanese baseball game he was probably doing press for a new shoe release. Did MJ create the first pantsuit ever? I don’t know where that bad boy stops. I feel like the belt is just for show. The Japanese were witnessing the Corduroy King in the flesh. The Disciple of Dungaroos. No woman was safe from Tokyo to Nagasaki that night.