Listen, when Jay Glazer breaks news, he BREAKS news. He had the OBJ news weeks before anyone else and had to endure people shitting on him how wrong he was. Then when OBJ was traded he politely shit down all of his critics throats when it broke. It was an all time “HOLD MY DICK” tweet. Sweet vindication.
I’ll be honest. I’m scared he’s got me hook line and sinker to tune in to his show at 8pm and he’s going to deliver something underwhelming. This was his tweet from this morning after everyone collectively went nuts last night. So now I’m turned upside down.
Here’s some guesses what I think we’ll learn tonight.
The DC Defenders will be awarded the XFL Championship (+250)
My DC Defenders were first in the Division.
They were HOT! They made an organizational move and changed quarterbacks mid-season after two losses and started firing on all cylinders. They were undefeated at home, had the best fans in XFL history, and were building cup snakes that were stretching miles around the stadium.
There’s no chance any team was coming into DC in mid-April and taking down vicious animals on or off the field. Am I biased because I had a 7-1 future on them to win the XFL? Yes.
Also, they murdered Darren Rovell and that counts for at least a share of the XFL Title.
Ballers Season 6 (+200)
Spencer and the gang are getting back together for another season of Sports Entourage. I haven’t watched since the season they were trying to buy a team. So I’m going to say Spencer bought that team and is now an owner because he’s a Baller and that’s what Ballers do. So this season is going to be about Jay Glazer taking over Rob Corddry’s role of VP of Player Ops, because Corddry’s character got fired for banging his assistant. Rickey Jarret is probably making movies or something because that’s what Ballers do. The big guy who went back to being an Offensive Lineman because he sucked at selling Dodge Rams is now retired and selling Chevy’s, the Motor Trend Truck of the Year according to J.D. Power. No payments for two years because Ballers don’t make payments. The season definitely ends with a pandemic cancelling the Super Bowl or Spencer building a stadium in a Bio-Dome.
Roger Goodell’s new wet bar construction is delayed (Even)
No doubt Goodell calls his basement his Man Cave. In the Man Cave you call him Rog, because he’s not the NFL Commissioner in the basement, he’s just one of the guys. Rog definitely goes to his basement to get away from the wife or when he doesn’t want to deal with player discipline anymore. His wife definitely has to yell down whenever the League Office calls because Rog doesn’t let her in the Man Cave. Oh, Tyreek Hill got in trouble again? I’ll handle it when I come upstairs. We still need an answer about the Patriots filming the Bengal’s sideline last season? Sorry you’re cutting out. Terrible cell service in my Man Cave.
But you know ever since it was announced Rog was doing the Draft from his basement he sped up construction on his wet bar. He was running his own little sweat shop in that basement. He needed to show off his fancy bar with his trophies from high school, granite countertop, and kegerator that only poured Coors Light and Guinness because that’s a man’s beer.
Carole Baskin will be tried for the murder of her husband (+350)
This one would surprise me the least. I’m just trying to think outside the box because Jay’s trying to tell me it’s nothing I’ll never think of. So I’m shooting my shot. Jay Glazer somehow knows someone in the Attorney General’s office and they’re bringing her up on charges for murder. Hear me out. TMZ just did a true crime behind the scenes Tiger King show the other day on Fox. Jay Glazer’s going to announce that Carole Baskin will be tried for the murder of her husband on Fox Sports. It’s called symphony in the brand world folks! I’ve convinced my brain this is the most likely.
Odell Beckham Jr. discovered a cure for Coronavirus (-110)
I just wanted to think of OBJ working with doctors for a cure on Corona, but pouting because they wouldn’t let him touch anything. So he kicked over a bunch of microscopes and sat in the corner until it was done.
Also, I wanted to make this image because it would make me laugh. This scenario was for me.
I really need aliens. I honestly believe we’ve had aliens among us, especially in the NFL. And if that’s the case then I’m worried about the aliens taking over the human race. Anyone who can spend 15 hours a day watching film can dedicate themselves to anything they set out to do. Honestly, if all the football coach aliens below banded together they could take the planet down by sun up.
All I know is this better be big news. When you’re in a quarantine and someone says they have Breaking News you pay attention. I think Glazer is above driving eye balls to his show, but you never know. I really hope it’s aliens honestly.