So Goodell is going to be announcing picks from his basement for the Draft tonight. Which adds another caveat to the Anti-Drafters saying we need to push the draft back. I don’t care if Goodell is announcing picks from the Coronavirus ward of a Mt. Sinai as he’s unplugging the ventilator of someone who just croaked. I need the NFL Draft. There’s only so many replays of classic games on NFL Network you can watch before you go stir crazy.
I hope they don’t put one of those NFL step & repeat’s behind Goodell. I need to know what a Roger Goodell basement looks like. I imagine he definitely has wood paneled walls like your grandmother did. These guys:
No doubt he’s got a wet bar. He might show us his liquor collection to give us a sense that he’s human and a little edgy, not a puppet for the NFL owners like everyone thinks. He’s Rog’ on the weekends. He’s a cool commissioner.
I need to know what’s in his basement. Here’s a couple things I think we’re going to see in Rog’s Man Cave.
“Roger’s Man Cave: Enter At Your Own Risk” Sign
There is no doubt Roger Goodell has a man cave sign his wife got him for Christmas in 2011. It’s the first thing you see coming down the steps that let’s people know Rog’ doesn’t play around when you’re in the Man Cave. There’s an instituted 3 drink minimum when you come down to the Man Cave. No wives allowed in the Man Cave – unless they bring food or beer of course. It’s just the guys and Rog. Rog and the guys. They can’t be held accountable if they stay up past midnight on a school night. That’s just Man Cave life.
Rog’ three rules of the Man Cave.
- My cave, my rules.
- Sports only 24/7. No Sex & the City or Bachelor re-runs.
- See rule #1.
The Dez Tape
Roger Goodell has the Dez Tape. It’s going to be hiding in plain site disguised as a VHS of, “Football Funnies”.
Jerry Jones confirmed that tape is real and it’s out there somewhere. I need to know what happened in that Wal-Mart parking lot back in 2011 and it’s going to be hiding right in my face while Goodell is on the smiling and announcing picks for 4 hours.
An Old De-Humidifier
First – there has to be an over/under on number of dog barks we’re going to get during the draft. If the line is 1.5 I’m taking the over because there’s no doubt Goodell has control of his dog. Second – there is definitely going to be some weird buzzing noise that comes into the stream every 45 minutes as the de-humidifier turns on. Every family that grew up in the 80s has a de-humidifier from 1986 still working it’s ass off. You know Goodell’s wife has been asking him to get rid of it for years, but he keeps repeating “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!” and then laughing to himself on the way out of the kitchen.
I just imagine Dean Blandino with his piercing coked out eyes just sitting in a floral chair in the corner of Roger Goodell’s basement. Never sleeps just sit’s there looking straight ahead waiting for someone to come down the stairs. There’s no doubt when Dean Blandino comes on the TV during a review he’s sitting in Roger Goodell’s basement.
Walter Payton’s Brain
Roger Goodell tells everyone he has the brain of Walter Payton. He claims the Payton family donated it to him, but he actually bought it off the dark web from a Dr., and the brain belonged to an accountant from Ohio. He loves to show people how intact the brain is. Not a trace of CTE.
A Ship in a Bottle
Goodell actually bought it on Amazon, but he tells everyone he made it during the summer of 2014.
Doc Antle’s Orgy Couch w/ Replica Shield
I feel like the owners have secret meetings at Roger Goodell’s house and hangout on his orgy couch. Goodell definitely makes his assistant assign seats. Jerry Jones gets the right back corner while the left corner goes to Robert Kraft. Marc Davis has to sit Indian style in the middle of the couch and pass out the pretzels and chips. Dan Snyder and a drunk red neck Cheesehead representing the Packers are elbowing each other for couch position. Bisciotti has his best duster on and Jim Irsay is so drunk he thought he saw a ghost, but it was just Arthur Blank.
I need to see what a Roger Goodell basement looks like. If there are no wood paneled walls or a sex couch I’m going to be disappointed. If we get a background that makes it look like he’s giving a press conference and all I can see is the shield it’s going to be terrible. Show a personality for me one time Roger. Chug a beer on camera or something.
P.S. If someone doesn’t find a way to hack into the NFL Draft Zoom and boo Goodell before he makes the first pick then 2020 really has the worst year. I feel like a nice boo would make all of this go away for a little.