Oh fuck off! Sup, Mr. Popular I’m sorry your precious psyche is taking a beating because so many people want to hang out with you over video conference. Hey Mom & Dad sorry I can’t join the family for Zoom dinner today. I’m really trying to limit my screen time because I’ve already hit my weekly quota for Zoom calls and I had to find one to nix. Sorry, it’s for my own personal wellbeing. This kid would never make it on the second floor of McGillins. He would puke into someone’s Bud Light pitcher once he saw the amount of people they stuffed in there. They’d have to carry his lifeless body down the steps and throw him in the alley dumpsters.

Bro. It’s a Zoom call. I don’t understand how someone can work themselves up so much over this. What the fuck is going on in your Zoom call’s with friends? Are you having a fucking talent show? If someone’s asking you to perform like a circus animal than yea, fuck that. Just change your background to a sunset and shut the fuck up.

What the fuck is this guy’s deal? Do people actually get social anxiety when they have “too many” happy hours on their calendar? Bro, just say no. The fact that you think you’re important enough that you’ll ruin someone’s week if you don’t accept their Zoom hangout is insane. There’s a good chance that there will be 17 other people to take your spot.

I don’t know how I feel about Zoom yet. Changing your background is the tits, especially because you can change it to tits. But I’ve been on a couple that had more than 10 people on it at a time. No bueno. Everyone’s talking at the same time. Someone gives out the link to the wrong person, now you have a guy who just bombs the Zoom screaming madness and trying to show his dick. It turns into a game of Chat Roulette pretty fast.

The only thing worse than this guy is the people giving him real life advice on how to get out of all these calls.



Thank you Kenna for being so brave! Hey grandma sorry that you’re on your deathbed and downloaded Zoom just to tell me you’re dying, but don’t count on me showing up. I don’t know what type of mood I’ll be in then three days from now, let alone 5 minutes from now. Nice knowing ya!



Uhhhhhhh! Trash Man is the second most popular guy. Prioritizing friends?! In a Pandemic?! Can’t be done! When does life get easier for ME!?!



Jesus Christ Dave. Relax. I know all my apps spy on me, but how am I going to watch Tory Lanez’s Quarantine Radios or follow along with Eagles beat reporters during camp when they all simultaneously tweet “Nate Sudfeld’s looked good. Hits Greg Ward down sideline. 7/8 today.” one after another? I’ll give up my privacy for that. If anyone wants to take my family’s video call and sell it on the Dark Web they can have it. I imagine some hacker being really captivated as my mom tells me about all the deals she got at the grocery store this morning.