A random thought crossed my mind when for some reason “Montpelier” was trending on Twitter for a moment. When I looked into it, it was a bunch of French people complaining about something. I don’t know, they probably just gave up and surrendered to Corona or something. But it got me thinking that Montpelier is the most worthless state capitol in the US. Trust me there are some worthless state capitols, but none worse than Montpelier. Sacramento comes to mind. Bismarck. Helena. Juneau. Pierre. Who the fuck wants to be associated with Pierre, South Dakota?  Not even people from Pierre are proud they’re from Pierre. And why did we name half our state capitols after the French? I know they were a major player in the Revolutionary War, but they’ve been good for nothing since.

And this is not to drum up some type of bias towards a state capitol in the New England region. Which I’ve always thought making New England like 8 different states is unfair in its own right. This is pure unfiltered hate for capitals that are worthless. I’ve done my research and my research concludes that Montpelier is absolutely worthless. Did you know Montpelier is the smallest state capitol according to population and its main industry of business is government? Yawn. Government is the Wonderbread of business. The townspeople probably filibust in their shorts for legislation. You know what their largest export is? Maple Syrup. That’s got to be the most boring export in America not named corn. Maple Syrup? We might as well just give Vermont to Canada. They’re your problem now Ottawa.

Look at this guy. If I asked you to picture what a citizen of Montpelier would look like, it’s this guy. This guy loves Government. Just peppering us with knowledge about a bunch of buildings and useless shit.



Montpelier is also the only state capitol that doesn’t have a McDonalds. You have to travel 5 miles to find the nearest McDonalds if you want a Big Mac and McFlurry, after you spent 8 hours arguing if they should add another stoplight to Main St. or not. The fact Montpelier is the only state capitol that doesn’t have a McDonalds kind of actually makes me respect it if I didn’t think they were just being a bunch of dicks and sticking it to the Golden Arches. Listen, if Juneau, Alaska and Honolulu can have McDonalds, you’re not important enough to not have a McDonalds Montpelier. I mean you’re fucking named after a bunch of Frenchy’s and you have to travel 5 miles to acquire their greatest contribution ever made to the world, french fries.

To make matters worse, in 2019 Vermonters finally got drivers license with their photos on them. Up until 2019, you didn’t have an image of yourself on your drivers license, unless you drove to Montpelier to get one. What the fuck is going on? Did Vermont never get word the printing press was invented? Are they still using horse and buggy on cobblestone roads up there? Do they shit in holes?  I feel like there are a bunch of cold cases involving serial killers with the name John Smith up there. If you pull over John Smith how are you supposed to know its the one that killed 13 people if you can’t ID him through a picture on his license. Oh and don’t try to buy alcohol if you’re from out of state. It’s illegal for beer distributors and liquor stores to sell to people with out of state IDs. Doesn’t matter if you’re 22 or 82. If you come from New Hampshire or New Mexico. You’re not getting any alcohol. Will someone just blow up Montpelier already? What a worthless state capitol.

P.S. This isn’t really a Montpelier issue, but there’s also no major sports teams in Vermont. I feel like that’s got to be a strike too. I hate that like 8 states make up New England and they all root for Boston teams. No. Be relevant enough in the US to get your own sports team.