Everyone’s freaking out about this tweet from Adam Schefter that Donald Trump is meeting with every major sports commissioner today at noon. People are saying sports are going to be canceled for 6-12 months. Which means we’re going to be quarantined for 12 months at the least. I choose to live my life with a positive mindset. Trump’s not canceling shit. He needs sports more than any of us. This guy’s got more heat on his back than a Shaquille O’Neal in an Icy Hot commercial.

So what’s Trump planning? Easy. He’s going to tell every commissioner about our relationships with aliens and we how we will now be playing sports in different bio-domes around the galaxy. Why do you think he instituted a Space Force? Just because he was bored on a random Tuesday and was thinking, “Hm. We dominate land and sea, but what about inter-galactic dominance?” Nope. It was because he’s been training NASA for this exact moment. The White House has been briefed on the Corona since early 2019. This gave them enough time to get everything in order. Develop relationships with aliens for a contingency plan if sports were ever suspended.

Early reports are we’re going to play basketball on Newt Gingrich’s bio-dome on his private moon colony. It’s the closest distance to Earth and we need to get this season rolling ASAP.



The NHL get’s the coldest planet Neptune. No need for zambonis when the ice never melts. The MLB get’s Mercury for one reason. Zero gravity. We are getting moon-shots galore. Scott Kingery is going to have 120 home runs this year and finish 15th in the HR race. Throw the PGA on Mercury too. I want drives that go 600ft. Tiger will win 30 more majors if irons were rendered useless and that douche Bryson DeChambeau can take his iron’s that are all the same length and launch them into orbit. The NFL gets Mars because everything I’ve read about Mars (two articles) is that the red planet is basically like Earth. I don’t need the NFL changed. It’s perfect the way it is. It’s named after the Roman god of War. Perfect for a bunch of gladiators. NASCAR, MLS, WNBA you get Pluto. It’s looked at as a peon compared to other planets and you’re all the Pluto of sports leagues.