So this is everywhere on Twitter right now. Could you finish all that food above in 90 minutes for $3,500. First off, $3,500 is a pretty small reward for early onset diabetes. Second, my Venmo is @kylepagan. Four cokes, 2 large fries, two 10 piece McNuggets, and four double cheeseburgers (I’ll up the stakes even though that one burger only has a single patty. I’m a man of honor) is easy. I once took down 28 fried pierogies from Polish town Philadelphia in 30 minutes. Those pierogies looked like they were in the Gulf of Mexico dipped in the BP oil spill. I was expecting seagulls to be gasping for air when I opened up the tray. The pierogies were glistening like Patrick Ewing at the foul line. And that’s why I’m not worried about dominating this. In college, my 2am order was two Big Macs while following that up with a Oreo McFlurry. Here’s a little road-map for you in case anyone needs a blueprint.
Step 1 – McNuggets
McNuggets go down easy. It’s more skin than meat. They’re absolutely delicious. If this was a 100 McNug challenge I’d have no worry. Quick 20 nuggets down the hatch in 10 minutes with 80 to spare. Maybe even get a couple of bites of a double cheeseburger in between Nugs. You always start with the easiest one first. Everyone knows that. Why do you think Alabama always plays some cupcake like New Mexico State in the beginning of the year? It’s a tune up game for Tua to feel good about himself when he has 6 touchdowns by halftime. It pays dividends when they play Georgia later in the season. McNugs are a tune up snack when we’re crushing 8 patties and mainlining a liter of coke in the 4th quarter.
Step 2 – Cheeseburger/Fries Combo
Listen, this competition is all about mental toughness. You’re going to get full by the time the second burger is finished, but it’s about tricking your brain into thinking you’re having a normal meal. What better way than to go burger/fry combo. One bite of a burger, 4-6 fries. One bite of a burger, 4-6 fries. Switch it up. Stimulate the mind. You finish one burger and you already have half a fry carton down. Do double duty and put the fries on your burger. Now you’re multi-tasking. You’re starting to feel good about yourself. Remember only the mentally tough are completing this. The only thing here is I’m worried about the bread from the burgers. Everyone knows bread expands in your stomach. That’s why I’m going to get in front of this by rolling each bun into a little balls. That way as they travel down my esophagus to my stomach there are little balls in my belly strategically placed throughout. One ball might be by my belly button. Another by my left hip. One is probably sitting in my abdomen area. I know that’s definitely not how body science works, but that goes back to beginning. Trick your brain. Incorporating breaks and factoring in I murdered the McNugs in 10 minutes. I would spend an unnecessary, but necessary 60 minutes on deleting the cheeseburgers and fries. Which leaves me 20 minutes to suck down four Coca Colas.
Step 3 – Coke’s
I’m not gonna lie. I’m most worried about the Coke’s. The carbonation from four Coca Cola’s would explode a polar bear’s stomach. Did you know Coca-Cola used to be made with real cocaine? Anyway. We’re looking at a couple of paper cups here so these are mediums probably. Mediums are typically 21 oz which means I’m doing almost 2.5 liters of soda.
You know how back in the day Dominos basically gave away a 2 liter of soda for free if you ordered a large pizza and some cheesy bread? Basically the equivalent, but not.
Sidenote: I always felt like Mr. Domino made a wrong investment back in the day and took a bath on a bunch of 2 liter soda bottles and that’s why he had to give them away for free. My dumb childhood brain couldn’t comprehend it was an “incentive” to buy large pies and was basically factored into the price in the long run. I still rather believe the deliveryman had to get the pizza from Dominos and then drive to a warehouse down the street where there were millions of 2 liter sodas stacked up on 100 foot high pallets. Why else would my pizza take 30 minutes?
Back to the challenge. If it imploded, it would all be here. I still have nightmares of seven year old Kyle crying in bed one night after polishing off almost a liter of Mountain Dew at my friend Matt’s birthday party. The feeling of millions of bubbles just exploding in your stomach at once? Well I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. This is where I would need to dig deep. I would switch back from straw to drinking out of the cup. I saved myself the 20 minutes which means I’d have to drink each in 5 minutes. With this maneuver and the fact I came this far I’d basically just reach back, find an extra gear, and will myself to drink the rest.
Following all of this I would either be checked into a hospital because I’ve been constipated for 5 days or my shits would look like this:
But at least I can say I was a champion. Plus, after I get diabetes maybe I can start wearing a moo moo like Homer Simpson, get a handicap tag for better parking, and make people give up their seat on the bus for me. Which in the end it would be all worth it.